I have finally picked a New Year's Resolution. I don't want to call it that, because resolutions are usually easily broken. But I have decided that I am going to quit smoking pot. I am really scared that I won't be able to do it though. This was all decided last night after my sister and I got into a huge fight. It was brutal, we were pulling hair, kicking, pinching, and scratching. Ok, it was brutal for a girl fight I guess. It all started because she was trying to yell at me for never doing that dishes. I don't have food there, so I never even use the dishes, no way in hell am I doing them for her. But I got mad of course and tried to leave, she got in my way and poked me so I poked her back even harder, and that started the fight. After we were finished we both calmed down and she told me that the whole point of her talking to me last night was because she was really worried about me. Apparently she could tell I was depressed and really unhappy with myself and my life. I knew I was getting there, but I really didn't think anyone else could tell. I guess I was wrong because she knew everything, she even knew why I was depressed. It freaked me out, I hadn't told any of my friends or family about any of this stuff, yet she just knew. And she was totally right about it all, she knew why I never wanted to be there, and why I never wanted to talk to anybody, and even why I was in a bad mood all the time. She made a lot more sense to me than I would've realized on my own. So, I decided to try to quit smoking. I really hope it'll help, I think the main thing is I need to become happy with myself before anything else. That'll be hard, but I want to try. I think the reason I'm unhappy all the time is because I do smoke. It makes me feel ashamed that I do, so I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't. And I don't ever deal with any stress or problems, I just look for a way to forget it for the moment by smoking. Also, I think it keeps me in a bad mood because I want it all the time, and when I can't have it, I get irritable and bitchy. That's not right at all, I shouldn't be like that, but I am. I know I have a better personality than that, I just let this take over, so I'm not like I used to be. I never thought pot was addicting and all studies show it isn't. But something about it is, I crave it and it's all I want to do a lot of times, mainly just to forget about everything else. It's going to be hard to quit and I am really scared to do it, but I feel I have to, just to see if it does make me happier without it. I'm afraid it'll make me more depressed though, because if I quit I can't hang out with any of my friends that do still smoke because the temptation is way too much. So, I'm afraid I'll just have to end up sitting alone, but not being able to smoke. And I do not think that'll make me any happier, just more depressed and pissed off that I can't smoke. But I have to try, and deep down I really think it'll be better for me. Wish me luck!!
Don't read this, it's just my pathetic depressing thoughts...
Holidays suck! Does anyone else agree? Probably not because everyone else has someone to be with. Yep, everyone except me. It's only a day away from New Year's Eve, and the fact that I have no one to be with, or even no where to go party is getting a little more than depressing. I really do not want to spend another New Year's at home with my parents watching Dick Clark and then ending up falling asleep before midnight even hits. But I think that's about my only option. All my friends have plans, and they apparently don't include me at all. I would've thought I might've been invited at some point to hang out with someone or just do something. I think no one is inviting me because I am single and alone, or maybe just because I don't happen to really have any friends, that could play a part in it. I think I'm going to stoop to the begging level tonight and try my hardest to find something to do. I've even been thinking of calling my ex to find plans. Maybe something good could come out of that, maybe I'll get my first New Year's kiss, even if it's not from the person I want it from. If worse comes to worst, I will probably settle for sitting at my place by myself, drinking Kool-Aid and watching Dick. And the rumor of New Year's is that how you spend New Year's Eve at Midnight is how you'll be spending the next year. I really don't believe in superstitions like that, but it's getting a little out of hand, it's been enough years like this, and now to look forward to another year of being lonely and depressed. Fuck, I am about to lose it right now, it's starting to overwhelm me quite a bit. I thought this blog thing would help me to vent, but I think it just depresses me even more. I feel stupid for wanting someone so bad, everyone tells me that I don't need someone, but I really think I do. I think I'd be a lot better off if I had someone. First, I would have someone to spend my time with, and that would help me cut down on the pot smoking thing. And just every other reason that I am not happy ever, I think having a constant someone there really would help me. Not constant like non stop 24/7 being together, but just more often than now. And, I'd be getting laid regularly, I think that would help with the happiness too, it does get stressful. Damn, I just gotta stop before I start getting pissed at everyone and everything because I can't get my way and have what/who I want. Anyway, happy freakin' New Year's!
What a fucking day I had yesterday, it was the worst! OK, I'm just going to start from the beginning. There is this group of girls that I sometimes hang out with, they are all around 18 yrs. old. One of them, Amanda, is also an ex of my ex boyfriend Jacob. We all sort of thought it would be weird hanging out with each other, or all together, but it really hadn't been weird at all. I thought she and I had both stated that we weren't interested in him as anything romantically anymore, but I guess I was wrong. So yesterday I was heading out to his place to hang out, which is about 45 min. from either her place or mine. First, on the way there I got a damn ticket for going 79 in a 60, damn it!! I can't afford that, I can barely afford anything else as it is. Anyway, ok, so I get out to his place and right away Amanda starts calling him to get him to come out to her place. He wasn't going to go because he spent all afternoon at the football game, he wasn't even going to his mom's for her b-day. So she got her friends, Kaci and Denise, to start calling his friend Zach to try to convince them into going. So Zach is putting up with it and they tell him they'll even come get him and bring him back home, it's a 45 min. trip either way! Anyway, so Kaci and Denise get out there. I knew something was up right away because the bitch walks in and first thing she says is 'Wow, you look like shit!' Fucking bitch! I really didn't look that great, but still, that was dick to say. Then everything Kaci said to me was totally with an attitude, so I'm sure I started getting one too. After about one minute of sitting around Kaci just jumped my ass about everything, ever. She started throwing it in my face how I have no friends and how I'm so pathetic and I can't even get laid and just a bunch of bullshit! She was mainly right I guess, but what fucking bitch! I got pissed and was trying to figure out why she was so pissed at me, and she told me that I was doing Amanda "dirty" by being out at Jacob's. Seriously??? Who does that little hoe think she is if she's going to try to stop him and I from being friends? We were together and have been friends a lot longer than she's known him. And it's not like I go over there for anything other than to hang out. I know they still have slept together fairly recently, but I haven't in over two years, why would I start now? Then, the stupid whores took my cell phone and threw it in the sink of full water. Ok, if I could kick some ass, I would! I am seriously pissed, I just want to run them over in my truck! But, the only good thing about last night I guess was that my ex did take my side on it and agreed that they were very immature and childish. I don't really know if he'll do anything or say anything, but he was at least there for me when I needed him. So, that was my very shitty day yesterday, I am just praying that this day, and my life gets better, someday soon. God I hate saying that because I know everyone keeps telling me that, and it might be true, but how can I believe that?
It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting here at my parents house by myself. It was my choice though so don't feel bad for me or anything, not that you would've anyway. We had my Dad's side of the family's Christmas tonight. It is always sort of awkward to be around them. Out of the whole family my mom, dad, sister and I are the only "bad" one's. First keep in mind that my dad has seven brothers and three sisters, but we are the only one's that drink, smoke, or cuss. I have to watch my language around them really bad. I almost called one of my uncle's a fucker tonight because he gave me a really dirty look for some smartass joking comment I made, but I caught myself thank god. But being around my dad's family is weird. They are all really timid shy people, but it comes off as if they're all a little bit retarded, maybe that's where I get it from :? I don't know. I was talking to my uncle Marty tonight, and he made me realize that maybe they are retarded. He lives in Baltimore, so I never get to see him, but he was talking to me about the wreck I was recently in. Every thing he started to say he'd stammer and take about two minutes to get it out, then I'd make him repeat it because he would mumble it really bad. It just got to the point where I was giving my mom the SAVE ME looks. Thank god she caught on quickly. Then at the gift exchange we do the white elephant thing again. With my other family we do this, but we all buy gifts for it so they are things that you may actually want. Not this family. We all pick out junky crappy items that we ourselves don't want and pass them off to other people. I actually sort of think that pretty stupid. I gave away a picture frame that has been passed around for a few years, an old dolphin clock I have that's broken, and an old nameplate I had from my old job. My poor cousin picked my gift. I didn't end up with anything better though. I got some spreaders (for butter and cheese), a CD of a man and wife that I've never heard of, and three Christmas Joy tapes. Yuck! I think I might just keep them until next year and give them back. But anyway, so I'm here now. I took my sister's cue when she left and got out too. It's not that they're bad people, just fairly boring. And now I'm going to bed, I just had to bitch about my night first on my bitch blog! Good night everyone, and have a very Merry Christmas!!!!!! :D
I think today I will write about Tom Green, not the famous one that you may be thinking of, but one of our friendly neighborhood Subway workers. His real name is not Tom Green, but I don't know it. Anyway, ok so he's this guy that works at Subway and he always smiles and flirts with me when I go to lunch. He's maybe about 30 or so which is a little old for my taste. I am only 20 right now (I will be 21 in 2 weeks tomorrow!!) and I look about 17 or 18, so I think it's a little weird that he likes me anyway. Not that I have any problems with other people dating older men/women, it's just not my thing. The oldest I'd go right now would have to be maybe 26, just about a five year range. I did go on a date earlier this year with a guy that was 27 and even though he was very immature for his age, I just still felt weird about it, that's just another weird personal issue I have. Anyway, about Tom, so I went to Subway today by myself. Being it was Christmas Eve and all, and I showed up less then five minutes before they closed, I was the only customer in line. And I think it was no coincidence that Tom was the only person standing behind the counter. While he was making my sandwich today, another worker behind the counter made a joke about Tom making love to my sandwich. Tom got all sorts of embarrassed and was threatening kicking the other guy's ass. I was just smiling and laughing to cover up my uncomfortableness. Then Tom comes over to where I was at and whispered over the counter that he'd like to take me out sometime. I just politely said, "Umm, no I don't think so, thanks anyway though!" I felt bad, but I was not going to go out with him, ever ever ever! But he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable and stop coming there, and I won't. I wouldn't give up my food just because he asked me out, but he better not do it again or I might get a little rude. Anyway, so that's all about Tom, I just had to tell someone, even though no one reads this! But that little event perked up my day, I was in a little bit of a bad mood, again, imagine that! Ok, I gotta get off here now, but I just found out we get to leave early too! I get off in less than an hour, this is the best news I've heard in along time, woo hoo!!!! :D
Why is it that I always depress myself and let myself get into this pitiful state of mind? It's not healthy I'm sure, not that I live healthy anyway. I would like to blame my bitchiness and being depressed on PMS, which it very well could be, but I just feel like it's an easy cop out. If I'm ever in a bad mood, I can always blame it on PMS, even though I don't think it generally is. I think it's just me being way too pessimistic. I think about things way too much, I definitely over analyze, and then I get depressed. I hate doing that, but I really can't help it. I try to look at the positive side of things, but what's the point? Have I ever been proven wrong on my pessimism? No, not really. If I stay pessimistic I can at least say I was right, but I would love for somebody to prove me wrong when I get pessimistic. Anybody's only answer is you never know what lies ahead type of bullshit. Which I do agree with, but since I don't know and I want to know really bad, I begin to form my own thoughts as to what will happen, and that's when my hopes go down the drain again. It's too hard to sit and think oh yeah, this'll happen, it'll be great. Because way too many times I've done that and then my little plans got spit on and ran over with a bulldozer. But when I'm pessimistic about stuff, I get really unhappy. But, we're changing the subject now, I do not want to get depressed today, I just want to be sick but happy. Ok, I went to this really weird gas station last night that's right by my place. They were a regular gas station so I thought, until I get in there and I saw bowls and pipes under the counter. Then the guy I was with went to one of the side counters and whispered something to the guy working there. The guy carded both of us, then opened the cabinets to a shit ton of bongs. Seriously? In a gas station? I was shocked, I had never seen anything like that before. So, that was my weird moment for last night. Other than that, I just spent my time getting sick. Oh, I guess this guy I've never met did call me. His name's Jacob, which is my ex's (the one who I always still hang out with) name too. Well, I guess my sister met him through her boyfriend and gave him my number but didn't bother to tell me about it. So he calls and is like Hi, this is Jacob. I started laughing and was just like oh really? And I started giving him shit for pretending to change his voice on the phone. I felt retarded after I realized it wasn't my ex, that it was some other guy. So he starts trying to talk to me, like how are you? what do you do? Blah, blah, blah.... I was a little freaked out. I had never met or even heard of this guy before, and he's asking me 20 questions. So after I talked to my sister she was pretty much hassling me to call him back and asking him out. That pissed me off and we got into a fight from that. I mainly got pissed because I don't want to be set up at all. I don't like to date in the first place, so to do it with someone I've never met or anything is not going to happen. She can kiss my ass if she wants to get mad about that. She should understand where I'm coming from on that, she's been that way before too. But, I apologized to her and told her that if he called again I'd talk to him and give him a chance. So, I guess I have to. Who knows, maybe it'll end up being a good thing. I feel in the mood to do another song...I think I'll go with my favorite early 90's song....Informer by Snow. I love it, but I am a nerd when it comes to music.
[u]Informer[/u]
What's up man! Hey yo what's up! Yeah what's goin' on here. Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here. You know what I'm sayin'? Yo Snow, they came around here lookin' for you the other day. Word? Word! Bust it!
CHORUS Informer, you no say Daddy me Snow me I'll go blame, A licky Boom Boom Down. Detective mon said Daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, A licky Boom Boom Down. Informer, you no say Daddy me Snow me I'll go blame, A licky Boom Boom Down. Detective mon said Daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, A licky Boom Boom Down.
Police them come an' now they blow down me door, One him come crawl through, through my window, So then they put me in the back the car at the station, From that point on me reach my destination, When the destination reached, it was the east detention, where them Whipped down me pants, looked up me bottom, so
CHORUS
Bigger they are they think they have more power, They're on the phone me say that on (every) hour, Me for want to use it once an' now me call me lover, Lover who I'll be callin is the one Tammy, an' me love her in me heart down to my belly, Yes me Daddy me Snow me I feel cool an' deadly, As the one MC Shan an' the one Daddy Snow, Together we-a love'em as a Tor-Na-Do.
CHORUS
Listen for me, you better listen for me now. Listen for me, you better listen for me now. When me rockin' the microphone me rock it steady, Yes sir, Daddy me Snow me are the article done. But in the in an' the out of a dance them they say where you come from, People them say you come from Jamaica, But me born an' raised in the ghetto that's the one I want you to know, Pure black people mon that's all I mon know. Yeah me shoes are tear up an' me toes used to show, Where me born in on the one Toronto, so
CHORUS
Come with a nice young lady. Intelligent, Yes she's gentle an' irie. Everywhere me go, me never left her at all. Yes, its Daddy Snow me are the roam dance mon. Roam between a dancin' in a in a nation-a. You never know say Daddy me Snow me are the Boom Shakata. Me never lay-a down flat in that one cardboard box. Yes say me Daddy me Snow me I'll go reachin' at the top, so...
CHORUS
Why would he? Why would he, would he, would he?
Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl, Police knock my door, Lick up my pal, Rough me up an' I can't do a thing Pick up my line, when my telephone ring. Take me to the station, Black up my hands. Trail me down, 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman, What I'm gonna do, I'm backed an' I'm trapped, Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap. They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer, But Shan won't turn Informer!
I have to vent here so I don't tell my friend something I shouldn't. She has been e-mailing me this morning just going on and on about her boyfriend and how great he is, and how much she misses him. Seriously? She stays the night with him every night, they don't technically live together yet, but pretty much, yeah they do. It's just really starting to get on my nerves, she is definitely a whiner. I know I have a whiny side, but damn. She's whining about how scared she is that she doesn't want to lose him and how she can't hold him close enough and she misses him so bad and just wants to hold him forever. I bet it's nice to love somebody like that, but seriously, don't whine to me about it! It's not like I've ever been in that position to be able to relate to her or anything, so all it's doing is making me jealous. I know that's the only reason I'm getting mad is because I have never been there, but since she knows that, you'd think she wouldn't do that to me, wrong! I mean, that's like going up to someone who's starving to death, and bitching about the food that you get to choose from everyday. Ok, so it's not exactly like that, but whatever. Plus, it's not something to even whine about it the first place.....quit your bitchin'!!!!!!!! But see, I have a bitch blog, so I'm free to bitch about whatever I want. Ok, I do feel better, thanks!
Why do holidays just have to remind all the single lonely people that they are in fact single and lonely. Every single person I know has someone to share their time with through the holidays. Even the friends I have that are single, still have someone....be it a booty call, or just someone to spend time with. Either way, I have none of that. That makes me not want to go hang out with anyone just to be reminded again that I have no one. Holidays are so depressing. Every commercial out there tells you to buy your loved one something, that includes everybody but me. I feel like such a tard, but I am getting so depressed this time of year. It has never been this bad before. I always had those friends that I could go out with when we're both alone, but it wouldn't bother us, becasue we'd have each other. Not in a sexual way, just a best friends understanding way. I don't even have that, maybe I'll just get myself a blowup doll and name him Jack, then I can "Jill off" to Jack! Haha, alright, I agree, that was retarded!! :roll:
This is going to become my new Bitch Blog. Just a place to vent and bitch so I don't have to do it to anyone else. I don't know if that'll prevent me from bitching to other people, but it's worth a shot! What a crappy day...not me in particular, just the day. It's not a bad day, but it's not a good day either. I did get a good gift this weekend for my family Christmas. We do this gift exchange with all general gifts, then after they're all drawn we go back through and get one more chance to steal the gift we want. My name was drawn last this year, so I ultimately got exactly what I wanted. I chose the vibrating, massaging shower head with seven different levels. I am really excited to try it out, but I can't set it up until I get some pliers. That definitely sucks! On another note, I am starting to stress really bad about the holidays. I still have gifts to buy, yet no car to go shopping with. So I have to wait and try to bribe people into taking me, I hate doing that. Especially since everyone I know is done shopping, so their trip would be pointless. I really don't like the holidays anyway. Mainly because my there are three events in a two week span in which it is nice to have someone to spend the time with: Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. New Years isn't so bad because I can get majorly fucked up, but other than that, nope, hate it! If I had ever had someone on any of those days, I don't think I'd hate it so much, but since I'm always alone....yep, I hate it! I know my little issues are not as big as some other people's problems, but I just still don't want to deal with them. I want to drink my way through the holidays, starting tonight. Oh, but wait, I can't do any drinking really, I can't buy it! And lord knows my sister won't go buy it for me. I don't even have any friends to go buy it for me, and the few guys I know that can will hint at me doing them favors to get it. So, no thanks! I'd rather eat my own......ok, nevermind, I'll stop at that. But seriously I want to bet drunk tonight. I haven't been drunk in so long. And I'm not a big drinker so all I'd need is two, maybe three beers. Or shots, I can do those alright. But I guess since we've already established that I have nobody to get it for me or drink with, maybe I'll just go home and put together my new shower head, that should keep me occupied all night long. :lol:
Alright, so I finally found a few minutes to write. My night didn't get any better yesterday. First I get off work and I call a few friends to try to find something to do so I can get out of the house. They tell me they've already got plans to go to the strip club, and the youngest girl needs my ID again. I was a little pissed. I wasn't even invited to go, yet she needs my ID so she can go. I wouldn't have gone anyway, but still, it's just the point that it was a little rude to do that. I gave it to her anyway, I wasn't going to throw a fit about it and prevent her from going. Then I was talking to my ex on the phone, he wanted to know why I was having a bad day. So I told him all the personal issues, and he made me feel a lot better at first. He was being really nice about it and telling me he understood, and he's been there before in my same situation, and I started crying again. Not really because I was still so upset about my deal, I just started crying. I cried about 4 times last night, over stupid shit. Twice was from watching TV shows and something a little sad would happen, and there went the waterworks. The other time was because one of my friends was being pretty damn rude, just had an attitude and started yelling at me. So I went off. I started yelling and telling him off, then not 2 seconds after I finished, there I go again with the crying. I felt so stupid. I think it shocked the shit out of him. Oh well. Today is a much better day though. I am trying to deal. I'm mainly just in a blah whatever type of mood today. I don't really care about much today. I just want to chill and take everything easy. So, on that note I will end with 2 songs today. I wish I had a CD player so I could listen to them right now, but I can't. The first is Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding, and then Take it Easy by the Eagles. Both good songs, just humming them to myself has calmed me down a lot.
[u]Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay[/u]
Sittin in the morning sun, I`ll be sittin' when the evening come, Watching the ships roll in, And I'll watch 'em roll away again, yeah, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay, Watching the tide roll away, ouh, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay, Wasting time.
I left my home in Georgia, Headed for the Frisco bay I have nothing to live for, Look like nothings gonna come my way,
So I'm just go sit on the dock of the bay Watching the tide roll away, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay, Wasting time
Look like nothings gonna change, Everything still remain the same, I can't do what ten people tell me to do, So I guess I'll remain the same, yes,
Sittin' here resting my bones, And this loneliness won't leave me alone, yes, Two thousand miles I roam Just to make this dock my home
Now I'm just go sit at the dock of the bay Watching the tide roll away, ooh Sittin' on the dock of the bay Wasting time
And now..........
[u]Take it Easy[/u]
Well, I'm running down the road tryin' to loosen my load I've got seven women on my mind, Four that wanna own me, Two that wanna stone me, One says she's a friend of mine Take It easy, take it easy Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy Lighten up while you still can don't even try to understand Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me Come on, baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me We may lose and we may win though we will never be here again so open up, I'm climbin' in, so take it easy Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find Take it easy, take it easy don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy come on baby don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me, oh oh oh Oh we got it easy We oughta take it easy
Alright, so my day's going somewhat better. Nothing new has happened to make it better really, just a change in thought process. I do need to realize it's not the end of the world and that whatever is going on in my life is happening for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but a reason all the same. I just need to learn from it. I don't necessarily know what I need to learn, maybe it's just patience. Patience with the world and my life. I'm still young and hopefully have a lot of life ahead of me. Whatever is happening in my life is only a stepping stone to the rest of my life, and I'm sure it'll get much worse at times. Not really looking forward to those times, but if any good comes out of it, I'll gladly take the bad with the good. I just feel stuck at this point. I need to make some changes, but what changes? If I change myself at this point to be the person I completely want to grow up to be, I'll be a complete loser. I won't have anybody to hang out with if I were to quit smoking pot and stop hanging out with those people. Oh, I guess I forgot about my sister. Yeah, I could hang out with her, but no thanks. I'd rather sit at home completely by myself. Wait no, if I had to sit at home by myself all I'd want to do is smoke pot. Damn, I'm screwed. Maybe I'll just stay the way I am and try not to feel so worthless and get so depressed about it. One of these days..... :roll:
I'm sorry for everyone reading this. It's not going to be that interesting today. I am really fucked up today. I am confused about a lot of stuff and I am just very depressed today. I get those days sometimes, but it sucks when I do get them because nothing can pull me out. That is until I get off work and can smoke something to make me forget. I wish I didn't always have to resort to that, but it's a lot easier than wallowing in my own self pity and crying all the time. It's also easier than getting mad about whatever I'm upset about and spending all my time bitching about it to the people around me. I don't want to go on a bitch session here and tell my problems to everyone, no one needs to hear all that. I am just basically really unhappy with my life. And especially when I'm depressed about it, it's hard for me to focus on the good things. There are no good things. Maybe I'm just hard to please but life is just shitty. I'm an extremely pessimistic person anyway, at least with the aspects of my own life. Anyone else I can easily find the good and assure others that life will get better and everything will be okay. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but why am I shit on all the time? What's the fucking reason for that? I am not a bad person, I don't treat others wrong. I just need to stop or I will start bitching about my problems and I'll start crying. So we're done for today. We will end with a song again. It's Last Resort by Papa Roach. This song keeps rolling around in my mind over and over. It fits for today, I am about that depressed. Ok, so it's a little harsher than the way I'm thinking, but just about.
[u]Last Resort[/u]
Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding Do you even care if I die bleeding Would it be wrong, would it be right If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late and I was empty within Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral, where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another Searching to find a love upon a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way
I was really hungry today so I thought I'd eat a whole sub today instead of a half. My stomach hurts so bad. Not a sick feeling really, but like it's about to bust open. My stomach has expanded probably 5 inches since before lunch. And if you know me, you know I'm fairly gassy, a lot of burping going on. And it's worse than normal. The gas is there, but won't come up, and when it does I am getting the acid reflux problem really bad where it burns all the way up. This is hell. I will not be making the mistake again of eating more than I can handle. Well, at least until I forget about this little incident that has made me so uncomfortable. UGH!!!
Today I am in a really good mood, at least for me. Nothing is bothering me, even my problems are not on my mind. YEA!!! But for whatever reason, all I've been thinking about since last night is swimming. What kind of thing is that to think about? I don't know. Actually, it's not even necessarily swimming, just floating in the water. Floating is my thing, especially since I can't swim. I always say that, but I'm sure I could swim to save my life, not to save anybody else's life though, I'm not that good. I can doggy paddle, and swim underwater alright, but the regular basic swim above water thing, I just can't get. I've tried, I took a class when I was about 4 or so, and I failed out of that. People always offer to teach me, but do you know how stupid I feel being 20, having to have someone hold me up in the water to try to get a technique down. Pretty retarded! But I also feel retarded having to wear freakin' floaties everytime I go into the water. Not at a kiddie pool, but in a lake or something. I think I'll just stick to my doggy paddling, and you know I always cherish the rafts. That's the best, to just float on a raft in the water on a hot summer night and stare at the stars. It's so peaceful. Ahh, good times. I used to love playing in the water when I was little, but now it's more of a hassle. My hair's fixed and my makeup's on, why in the hell would I want to turn myself ugly by getting in the water? I still do it, but not nearly as much as I used to. I miss being a little kid, those were the days. You don't realize it while you're young, but seriously, if I could have a chance to go back and play all day with friends, then take a nap too, that would be so awesome! We lived at my old house until I was 10, up until I moved I had so much fun playing with the neighbor kids. First of all, our neighbors had 9 kids. Only the oldest five would play with my sister and I, but it was so much fun. I can't really remember any specific things we did, but I do distinctly remember getting in trouble almost everyday for doing something we shouldn't have done. I can't wait to have kids, I want to play again. I am so excited to have kids, I can't wait to play games with them and teach them everything. One really dorky thing that I can't wait to do when I have kids is get all those sing along videos. Like one's with the Muffin Man, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Stuff like that. I know I used to love the song Little Bunny Fufu, I can't remember it though. But it was a good little tune. Anyway, I'll leave with a song again. Nigga's Ain't Shit by Trinia. Now this song has absolutely nothing to do with my thoughts today, but it is definitely one of my favorites, and one of the only rap songs I totally know by heart. The song does fit my way of thinking a lot of the time though. If you put it in little white girl terms, it basically just means guy's SUCK! Even though today I'm not looking at guys that way, it's still a kick ass song!
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Trina] See, me and my boo's we got grands to use With terrible attitudes nigga, who needs you? Huh, you got your dirty ass feet on my couch and smokin motherfuckin weed in my house Is you sick yo? I want YOU to get him and your dogs, to stop grabbin doornobs, and hustle and rob or job, get tha fuck out of dodge (you heard that?) You eat me this evenin, you don't even deserve that cause I'm a bank roll havin bitch Mercedes Benz 6- double o havin bitch, I'm fabulous and immaculate with nice curves I game hers for the furs, and the Iceberg You got nerves, old broke ass, not havin no doe ass slow ass, stayin on my porch ass, yo yay your ass nigga you fake bitch, you make women hate dick, cuz you ain't shit
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Lois Lane] You that same old nigga with tha same low figures 'cept the lies gettin bigga and the sex lacks the vigor Got used to the quickies, now your ass is just wack tryin to fuck my girl, behind my back, imajin that I told her go ahead and try it just for the laughter now whe're feelin bad for all tha hoes you're goin after Looks can be deceivin, and you're poppin much game Crib in your moms name, claim of fortune and fame Dressed in ICEBERG, senese still attached Rockin a gator, fake rolly, hollow links to match I sit back and watch, as you dig yourself deeper Digits all in your beeper, you want her, better keep her Last night you was all up in the club, slingin grips Slippin DJ Roslay, givin dick tips away Basically, you was holdin like you just went pro but little did they know, you was flossin my doe No, I got to go, before you cause a bitch to flick from waistline to the bottom, you know niggas ain't shit
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Trina] You ain't shit to me yo I'm spendin grands down in Rio Manaje' in trio, garage like it cee-lo 4-5-6, Range Rov, 4.6 we lay low while ya'll hoes slob dick, you back in ballin ass Niggas ain't shit, taste the clit and y'all pussy lickin and shit wanna go low on me like a basement? That's why I don't see none of y'all You better reconize bitch, while I sit in front of y'all I don't owe you shit, nigga you owe me I'm bout to change the locks, nigga keep the gold key You better get your shit, take it to your mamy house I'm bout to show you what a bitch from Miami bout You got me fucked up, nigga ain't no free nut Unless you comin VVS marquis cut
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
Last night a few friends of mine went to the club, I didn't want to go since for one I'm not that big on clubbing. I love to dance, just not really in front of people. So since I wasn't going I let one of my younger friends take my ID to get into the club. We don't exactly look alike, but she can pass for me. I feel weird about giving her my ID only because she is only 17, I will be 21 in less than a month, and if she can pass for me, then she will pass for 21 in less than a month also. It's just weird. Truthfully she does look older than me though. But since I know she can pass for my ID, I just feel too bad not letting her use it. I would've loved if somebody had done that for me when I was younger. I could've too, but my sister is too uptight to let me use her ID for anything. I just have this thing where I will share everything I have with people. Mainly though just people who I don't know very well. It seems to be the people that I am closest too that I show my selfish, irritable, angry side too. Which is a little ironic since those are the people who I need around most and don't want to lose. Actually, my mom and I got on this subject last night while we were shopping. For whatever reason, out of my immediate family, she is the only one that I really don't get irritated or angry with. I think it's because our personalities are very similar. She thought it was just because she didn't annoy me that much, but it's not that, she just has a way with me where she knows how to handle me when I get an attitude. She will be the only one to call me on it when I get pissy for no reason, and that makes me really think about it, and realize that I have no reason to be that way. My sister and my dad are a lot more similar in personality. They will both just egg me on and push all the right buttons to get me even more mad. I hate when they do that because after I go off and throw my hissy fit about being mad, it's all my fault and then they don't want to be around me. Thank god for my mom knowing me better than anyone. I am a lot like my mom in most ways. I really don't mind being like her, most women seem to not want to be like their mothers, but I would be happy to be like mine. She is very cute, mainly her personality. The little things she does makes her cute. But we have a lot in common, we are both sort of reserved until you get to know us better. We realized last night that we have a lot of little quirky things we do similar. Like we both pick off the hard ends of our fries, and we both have this weird thing where we count everything. It's odd. I of course have a few more quirky little things I do, like making sure every bite I take of something has an equal bite of a something to go with eat. For instance if I eat a piece of steak, an equal portion of mashed potatoes has to go in my mouth at the same time, I don't like one with out the other. It totally screws me up when I have to get steak with out mashed potatoes. I do it with other foods too, but that's just an example. I do get one major part of my personality from my Dad, my attitude. I have his temper for sure. He can get riled up about anything, but my mom is so laid back. I wish I could be more laid back, but I let little things get to me very easily, but the big things are the one's that I let slide. I don't know if it's possible to change myself and be able to control my temper and become more laid back. But if so, I'd like to know how so I can do it. Today I am going to borrow the ways of my friend "White" and leave you today with a song, I Alone by Live. It really doesn't go with the issue I've been talking about today, but it is a favorite of mine, and it does sort of go with other issues in my life. Oh well if it doesn't.
[u]I Alone[/u]
it's easier not to be wise and measure these things by your brains I snak into eden with you alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes you'll need them, you boat is at sea your anchor is up, you've been swept away and the grestest the teachers won't hesitate to leave you there, by yourself chained to fate
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
it's easier not to be great and measure these things by your eyes we long to be here by this resolve alone in the chuch by and by to cradle the baby in space and leave you there by yourself chained to fate
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
oh, now, we took it back too far, only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn all come running back to you, all those rhytms that you hide only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
This was my entry on Friday, but I deleted it, and now I'm putting it back up....
I don't necessarily think it does. Depending on what the bad thing is that you do. And who's to say exactly what's bad and what isn't. Illegal doesn't even necessarily have to mean that something is bad. Some stuff is though, like murder, ok that's bad. But I don't do anything that extreme. The worst thing I do is a few illegal narcotics. There are a few that I am not very proud to admit though. The main one is...smokin' the reefer. But since I don't hang around that high quality of people all the time, I tend to be around a few other drugs that I occasionally find myself doing. I feel horrible with myself everytime I do them though. But for whatever reason I am not that strong of a person and even though I may not want to do them, I still have that little bit of desire, so that's obviously enough for me to forget what small amount of willpower that I do have, and do them anyway. And I of course enjoy doing them, but not even that much, I just don't want to be the one not doing them when everyone else is. And I can't blame peer pressure, because nobody forces it on me. The only one that I do enjoy thoroughly is smoking pot. I don't even know why though. It makes me just sit there and space off, I can barely hold a conversation because if someone else is talking, it is hard to keep focused. And if I am talking, I'll start on a subject, and then I'll just stop because I can't even remember what I'm talking about. I also get completely lazy. I'm extremely lazy to begin with, but it just makes me that much more lazy. Like the other night, I spent probably close to an hour staring at the remote on the floor. I only have 5 channels on my TV, and I was dying of boredom watching this home shopping show. And even though I was missing my favorite shows, I still sat there for quite a while just staring at the remote on the floor. I didn't want to get up, I was really comfortable. So finally after about an hour, I leaned off the couch and scooted my way towards the remote, I wouldn't even take my feet off the couch. I'm sure it was a funny site to see me scooting on my belly with my feet still on the seat. After I got the remote, I scooted back the same way I came. Then, to make it worse, I started thinking about something else and forgot to turn the channel for another 20 min. That sounds so pathetic, yet it becomes almost a daily routine for me to do something like that. The only appreciation I can definitely give to smoking is that it does make everything a lot funnier. If I was high right now, that story would be really really funny. And they say smoking pot isn't addictive, but it seems to be. I mean, if I have a choice I do it before everything, shopping, driving, family get togethers, even looking for a job. Another thing, I have other friends and family tell me all the time that I should stop, and I know I should. But I think it's just gone on for so long, that now I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not doing that. I get so bored on my own, that I can only sit there and think about smoking. It's not a habit I want to take with me into my future, but I have nothing else there to bide my time and to keep my occupied. I know that shouldn't be an excuse but it is for me. One of these days when I grow up and get into more of a steady lifestyle I will quit. I just have nothing to quit for yet. So, that's enough about my bad habits. But the whole point of this was that I don't think that me doing those bad things makes me a bad person. It does occasionally make a liar out of me though because I have to hide it from certain people and lie about where I'm going or what I'm doing. But other than that I don't lie, steal, or use people to get what I want. I am very considerate of others and don't take people for granted or anything. Id actually have to say that I am always the one to get taken advantage of and used. But overall I think I'm a good person and eventually I will be able to change my ways so that I can finally be happy with myself and the life I live.
