Hey all, I'm finally back for another one. By the way....Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!! :) I have just not had anything remotely interesting happen to me. still the same shitty nothing. I have been having fun living with my friend Mandy though. She's staying with my sister and me until she moves back to her home town. I really don't want her to go, I like having someone to hang out with. I hardly hang out with any of the people I used to hang out with, so I will once again be on my own. And lord knows, I do not want to have to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend. Seriously, no one understands, except Mandy. my sister is just so.......ugh!!! I don't even know where I could begin, so we won't go there. But seriously, it'll suck. if nothing changes to where I will have something (or someone) to do in my spare time I may have to start becoming one of those people who goes and sits around at the bar by themselves. Not because I only want to drink no matter what, but just because driving around 4 hours a night can really eat up the gas, and hey......it's beats hanging out with my sister :) I can't wait until April 1st. I am going to a concert :) It's called the Birthday Bash, it's for one of the radio stations around here. I am so excited! The only thing is, I can't get drunk. That sucks. I can't drink unless it's to get drunk mainly because I can't seem to stand the taste of any alcohol, period. But I can't dance unless I drink......big dilemma's here. I had planned on getting completely inebriated, but I found out my supervisor is taking off the 2nd for a court appointment. I figure that's more important than my drinking fest I was planning, so I guess I'm shit out of luck on that one. Ok, I guess I've run out of things to talk about. Thank you to anyone who does read this so I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself. Ok, now for the song of the day....we're going to go with All Her Love by Donell Jones. I just heard it for the first time about 2 weeks ago, but it has become one of my favorites, mainly because it reminds me of me, imagine that!! :) Oh, haha, except that it's not all [i][b]her[/b][/i] love for me :) So, you all have a great day, and probably month depending when I get back to this :) Oh, and Megan....yes, my situation is still exactly the same as when you last checked, no new developments whatsoever :)
[u]All Her Love[/u]
She’s got a man’ another situation I understand that’s how it’s got to be Ain’t trying to cause her no complications I’d walk away but I’m in too deep
I can’t make no plans’ got me so frustrated Cause in my heart I want you desperately Done ran away from all the girls I’ve been dating When I’m with them’ it’s only you I see And she promised me that it would take some time But she would leave him alone And the thought of her loving only me That’s the thing that keeps me strong
She gives me all her love But only half the time Still it’s more than enough To keep my hope alive
Just yesterday I saw them shopping at the mall "looked like she tried on a diamond ring The way he held her down’ it drove me crazy Spent half the day wishing that it was me
I can’t make no plans’ got me so frustrated Cause in my heart I want you desperately Done ran away from all the girls I’ve been dating When I’m with them’ it’s only you I see And she promised me that it would take some time But she would leave him alone And the thought of her loving only me That’s the thing that keeps me strong She gives me all her love But only half the time Still it’s more than enough To keep my hope alive
A secret rendezvous’ just to spend time with you Girl I need you in my life And if I had to choose’ the thought would still be you Just as long as she give me all her love
She gives me all her love But only half the time Still it’s more than enough To keep my hope alive
She gives me all her love And it’s enough for me cause I’m never gonna leave’ and She gives me all love And it’s enough for me cause I’m never gonna leave’ and Ooh said I’m never gonna leave I’ve been getting all your love’ half the time’ oh no
She gives me all her love But only half the time Still it’s more than enough To keep my hope alive
Ooh na’ na’ na’ na’ na’ na Ooh na’ na’ na’ na’ na’ na Ooh na’ na’ na’ na’ na’ na Ooh na’ na’ na’ na’ na’ na
I know I never really write anything insightful or with much deep thought...and I'm not going to start today. I had so much fun this weekend, I felt I needed to share. My friend Mandy and I went to Columbia this weekend to see her friends and family, and a friend that I went to college with, Amanda, met up with us since she lives close around that area. I hadn't seen Amanda in about 9 months, so it was great to get to see her too. We went to a bar there named Cody's. It's a country bar, but it was fun. I had never been to one, but it was a lot more packed than I expected. The only downfall for me was that there were a lot of country bumpkins there. I am just really not that attracted to guys with those little tight Wranglers and all that, no thanks. Anyway, not the point. Well, once we were there, it turned out that one of the guys with us was really good friends with the bartender, so we got the hook up all weekend on drinks. I did have to pay for one drink of Friday, but that's because it was tequila rather than the pussy shots I had been taking like buttery nipples. So, it was definitely great getting free drinks. Occasionally we would have guys offer to buy us drinks, but little did they know we didn't have to pay, so they really weren't paying anything anyway. There was a live band there, but I thought the singer sucked. He was very nasally and whiny sounding. It was a little annoying. It was definitely a nice change when they played rock between the sets. The best part was that once each night they were throwing beads to all the girls. I started by just dancing to get them....that didn't work with all the big hooters poppin' out right beside me, I just got looked past completely. So, Mandy and I tried showing our asses for some, I only got one for that. Then I went for the flashing...for some reason I got two. I have no clue why I thought I was brave enough to flash...I am definitely not proud of my assets there, so I don't know what I was thinking. Oh yeah, I was thinking about beads. Then I got more beads just because I guess, I did nothing else for them...at least on Friday. So, I continued to get drunk. I think that tequila shot did me in because right after I took that, everything was starting to spin. At one point during the night an older country hick was really hitting on me. He was kissing my hand and stuff like that. I just sat there giggling because I thought it was really funny. My friend Amanda pulled me away from him to save me, but he didn't get the clue. He came and tried to get me to dance with him, so Amanda told him I was with her. He said he needed proof before he would leave. So we did a little peck kiss, but that wasn't enough to convince him. So, we made out. I think she enjoyed it a little more because when I stopped, she kept trying to kiss me, then she was complimenting me on it. She is not the person I would like to be complimented by, but I guess since I don't really kiss anyone else, I'll take the compliments where I can get them. We ended up kissing two more times, mainly for shots because the bartender threatened to make us pay once he found out that we had kissed, but not for him. So, that was interesting. I was pretty drunk, loud, and giggly. I managed to only fall down once though. Mandy and I were dancing to the last song of the night and I did great being spun around and all, I was very proud of myself actually. But of course it didn't last. As soon as the song ended she took me for one last spin and fell straight over....it was embarrassing, but good thing I was drunk because I didn't really care at that point. So, we left and everybody went to Country Kitchen for breakfast. That's where I found a way to have fun with my beads. Amanda and I got a guy to flash us his package for some of our beads. Then we pigged out, and passed out. I was so hung over on Saturday, so I just vegged and watched movies all day. Then nighttime rolled around again, and I was ready for more partying. It was sort of a repeat of Friday night. We went to the same bar again, and drank for free again. I pretty much had my ass parked at the bar all night, by myself, I'm such a loser. I mainly just got up for the bead throwing again. I again starting flashing, but as soon as I would, the only thought that would run through my head is "What the hell am I thinking?" But like I have said before, I was drunk and didn't care. I even flashed guys up on the balcony for beads, but hey, I got beads. I found a guy again to flash me for some....the guy on Friday deserved it a lot more than the guy on Saturday, but I told him I'd give him beads if he did, so I did. That was pretty much my weekend. A little crazy, but a hell of a lot of fun! I'm sort of regretting the kissing, but it was a new experience. After giving away three sets of beads, I ended up with 12, so I did good. And I only spent $60 all weekend, with having 9 or 10 shots Friday and 12 on Saturday, and only paying for tips and cover charge, I did good. So, I'm going to finish today with another song. This one is dedicated to Mandy. The story behind it is that she just broke up with her boyfriend last week. They had been together for three years, and she came to the conclusion that her feelings just weren't there anymore. She still cared for him, but wasn't in love. We were talking about her situation this weekend while heading out on our trip, and a song came on that she felt totally said what she felt. So this is to her....it's I'm Movin' On by Rascal Flatts...it's country, go figure.
[u]I'm Movin' On[/u]
I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I’m at peace with myself I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they’re always the same They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it They’ll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone There comes a time in everyone’s life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t I had to lose everything to find out Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I’m movin’ on
My big question for the day......why do we want what we know we can't have? This has been a big issue for me for a long time, not just today. But today it seemed to hit home again. I don't know why I keep wanting the one thing I can't get, yet it never seems to phase me. I don't think I want the impossible just because I can't have it. I think I'd want it even if it was right there for me to take. But I do believe that the grass always looks greener on the other side, and that's why it's become so much of a fantasy for me. I just keep having this thought that if I had that one thing, my life would be so much happier and more complete. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Maybe it should be that there is a reason it's out of my reach, and I should learn that because I've waited around for it and it still hasn't become something that I can have, I should just move on and get on with my life without it. That's such a hard concept to grasp though. I know that I don't know what's best for me...considering all the mistakes I've made. But I just can't help but wonder. I always believed in the fact that everything happens for a reason, I just hate not knowing the reason. That's why it's hard for me to let go of any dreams I have because I keep thinking maybe I'm here in this position for a reason. Selfishly I want the reason to be for my benefit, but sadly I don't think it's going that way. But I don't think there's no reason at all. And I don't think the reason I am in my position is just to screw everyone else's lives up. But also, I happen to be coming to the conclusion that it is the only reason. I wish I could find available grass to graze rather than someone else's. Ok, I have just been babbling about confusing stuff. Sorry if I confused anyone else the way I have confused myself again today. Ok, I'm gonna put a song again. I heard this song for the first time this weekend, and it made me cry....I do not normally cry this easily, but also keep in mind it was that time of the month for me so I was really sensitive and emotional. Sorry, too much information there possibly. Ok, on with this song...it's called You'll Think of Me, by Keith Urban....yes, it's country. Anyway, this song sort of reminds me of me, that's why I cried, except I'm not with anybody.....anyway.....have a great day everybody!!!
[u]You'll Think of Me[/u]
I woke up early this morning around 4am With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along But that's OK There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been So
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine I'm gonna be alright While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight I'll be over you And on with my life
So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and all your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we got nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me Oh someday baby, someday
Hi again! I know I haven't written in a while, but I haven't really had time...plus, there's been nothing to write about. So, today, I'm writing about 2 things...one is this weird thought or whatever it is that I keep thinking about, the other is about me I guess. I'm just going to tell about my family life. Ok, so first off with the thought. It's pretty stupid I guess, but the other day my friend Briana and I were driving around downtown trying to find this building. We had to pay attention to all numbered street signs so we wouldn't miss it. While watching the signs, I began thinking. Ok, so here in America when we have a numbered street or whatever it is written as the numerical number with the last two letters of the written word behind it. If anyone is confused so far by what I mean...it's like 37th St. for example, the (th) after the number comes from seven[u]th[/u], and the same with 2nd from seco[u]nd[/u]. So, my thought was, how do people in other countries, or other languages write their numbers? Ok, all I know is German, so I'll give examples of that. Five in German is spelled Funf. So, would 5th St. in Germany be 5nf? Or since Twenty is Zwanzig, would it be 20ig? I am really hung up on this, so if anyone knows the correct way, please let me know so I can get it off my mind. Anyhoo, that was my deep thought for the day! :roll: Ok, onto me and my family I guess. There's really nothing interesting with that. I had a very normal, boring childhood. My parents have been married for almost 27 years now. They almost divorced once about 15 years ago, but they didn't. That had to be the scariest day I can remember. I came home from staying the night with a friend and all my Dad's stuff was packed and he was about to leave. My Mom came to explain to my sister and I how she just wasn't in love with him anymore. After an hour of my sister and I yelling and screaming, they agreed to talk it over one last time. They went to my grandparents and after a few hours decided that they both just needed to put a little more time and effort into the marriage. Apparently it worked, because they have been happy ever since. I hate talking to people about my childhood because I feel so bad that I had a perfect one. Everyone else I know has had at least a few major problems. Whether it's with raising their siblings themselves because their parents were low-lives and just didn't care, or even having to raise themselves without any love or support from family. The only thing I definitely enjoy about being brought up so well is that I know how I want to raise and love my children. I am astounded at some of the stories I've heard about parents who give up, leave, or whatever. It's just so sad. I don't ever want my children to ever feel like they can't come to me about anything or that they aren't loved or something. That's another thing I feel so lucky about with my family, I could always talk to them about anything. I never really did though for a while, I still tried to hide all personal stuff, but somehow they always knew what was going on and I came to realize that no matter how bad I screw up I can always talk to them, and they're always so understanding. Even if they don't agree with what's going on or they way I'm choosing to handle a situation, they have this amazing ability to be able to put themselves in my situation. They can forget about their point of view and at least say that they can see why I chose to do what I did. I love that. Even with them just saying that it always helps me to then see their side of things. Knowing that they are willing to be on my side, makes me willing to be on theirs. I don't really have any regrets about how I was raised at all. I do think that they were a little too over protective of me though at times. I couldn't even watch MTV until I was 16, how retarded is that? But I never really broke any rules or anything. Up until I was 16, I never did anything. I was always sitting at home chillin' with the parents. Then I could drive and I was always gone. That used to upset my mom so bad. I was always her baby, and then once I branched off she couldn't handle it. But I was definitely a goody two shoes, until college. College hit and I wanted to experience everything I never had the opportunity to experience at home. I still didn't get into trouble with authority or anything, but I did get in trouble with myself. That's when I quickly learned that I do not have will power, I caved so fast to every new opportunity that awaited me. And to this day it affects how I now live, good and bad. I am much more open to all kinds of people and experiences, but that gets me in trouble sometimes. I can't seem to say no to anything, especially something I know I have done before. But, since I'm just babbling.......you know, I just realized I didn't really talk about my family much, just mainly me. Oh well!! Ok, so I'm going to add a song today, it's one of my favorites. It's Bitch by Meredith Brooks. I'm not a bitch or anything, not always, but if you get me pissed and then keep pushing my buttons, I can be the biggest bitch, swear to god. Everyone who's seen my true attitude and bitchiness comments that they can't believe all that bitchiness came out of me and they never would've guessed that I could be like that. Now, I'm not proud that I can be like that, but it's something I'm trying to work on. Ok, so have a great day!!
[u]Bitch[/u]
I hate the world today You're so good to me I know but I can't change Tried to tell you But you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath Innocent and sweet Yesterday I cried Must have been relieved to see The softer side I can understand how you'd be so confused I don't envy you I'm a little bit of everything All rolled into one
Chorus: I'm a bitch, I'm a lover I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed I'm your hell, I'm your dream I'm nothing in between You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am This may mean You'll have to be a stronger man Rest assured that When I start to make you nervous And I'm going to extremes Tomorrow I will change And today won't mean a thing
Chorus
Just when you think, you got me figured out The season's already changing I think it's cool, you do what you do And don't try to save me
Chorus
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease I'm a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer I'm your angel undercover I've been numb, I'm revived Can't say I'm not alive You know I wouldn't want it any other way
Yesterday was my 21st birthday! It was a great day, I was in a great mood all day, that's a first. I bought my first six pack on my way to work yesterday morning at 7:30. I wasn't planning on drinking it then, and I still haven't, I was just doing it because I can. The lady at the register gave me an odd look because it was so early. She checked my ID, but she barely looked at it and didn't even comment on it being my birthday, or at the fact that I barely even look old enough to buy cigarettes. I think she was only looking for the store camera's sake. I've done that before too. When I worked at a grocery store and people that I knew were a few grades younger than me would come to buy cigarettes, I'd ask for an ID, just to show that I asked and looked. No one caught onto my concept though. They would always have an excuse that they didn't have it on them, or they would just go to their car to get it and not come back. I would've sold it to them had they just showed me something, anything. But, that's ok, their loss. But anyway, I was a little disturbed that I didn't get to flaunt my being of legal age to anyone serving alcohol. No one at the bar last night even looked either. That could've been because it was obvious that there was a 21st birthday in progress. I don't know. But that happened on my 18th birthday too. I have been smoking cigarettes since I was 16, but I never chanced buying cigarettes until I was old enough to do so. So I went to get my first pack on my 18th birthday, and the guy didn't card me. That is probably the only time this ever happened. Ever since, I get carded every single time, and half the time they scan my ID for about 2 minutes before finally believing that I am in fact old enough to buy them. It was just disappointing yesterday because I have just been waiting for the time I can go buy alcohol, and get the very questionable look from the cashier, and be asked skeptically to see my ID, just so I could whip it out and shove it in their face. Maybe some other day though. But on with the events of my birthday...I felt like I got so pampered yesterday, I feel bad, but it was nice. First my immediate boss got me a bunch of candy, knowing I am a junk food freak, a bottle of Parrot Bay, and some Dole Pineapple Orange Banana juice to go with it. She didn't even know this, but that kind of OJ is my all time favorite, so I was lovin' it! Then a bunch of co-workers brought food platters for my birthday. They weren't just for me, but for everybody. Thank god for that because considering I am about the pickiest damn eater in the world, I didn't want any of the food. I was too scared to try half of it, and the other half, I just knew I didn't like. There was one thing that a friend brought that had turkey wrapped around cream cheese and mayonnaise, with a pickle in the middle. Just the thought o fit makes me want to hurl. I didn't try it, but that's because I'm afraid I would've gagged, and one that gag reflex is out in motion, there's no stopping it until something comes up. So I passed on that one. But I did get a free lunch yesterday, all thanks to Tom Green. He is the Subway employee that I have mentioned before. It was just my normal sandwich from Subway, but it was free this time, saved me $4.56. Then, one of my good friends bought me some birthday cake ice cream that they sell at this place around my work, it is definitely my new favorite kind if ice cream. It has bits on icing and cake and sprinkles in it. I could go without the sprinkles, but I'll eat it anyway. And on the way back from getting the ice cream, she bought me flowers, how sweet was that? I've never gotten flowers before. Ok wait, I did get a single gas station rose for Valentine's Day last year from my boyfriend at the time, but that's another story. Pissed me off. Anyway...so last night as soon as I got off work I went to the sports bar at the casino. When I got there it was only me and my parents. I started to feel like a big loser. But it was still a great time. My dad and I were sizing up the waitresses, who looked good, and who should not be caught dead in those somewhat skimpy outfits. After a while more people showed up, so I felt like less of a loser. My parents made me open my gifts, which I thought I would feel stupid about, but surprisingly I didn't. My parents just gave me $100 and filled up and decorated the photo album my aunt made me. It's my aunts new kick I guess. It was quilts for a while, but now it's photo albums. I was very pleased with it, it looks awesome. The only downfall was that I am not still in my Precious Moments phase, I was in love with those when I was 8 to 11. But it was yellow and fuzzy, which was cool, with a Precious Moments figurine picture in the middle. Oh well, I still appreciate the effort and thought. My sister's gift was the shit though. I was very scared to open it. She had told me that it's something you play with, and you have turn it on to work it. That set my mind running a few days ago, I had a dream that I opened it and it was this Tonka truck type of thing that you put spokes in the wheels and turn it to get it to run. In my dream I opened it and was very unenthusiastic about it. I didn't want that to happen, especially having to open it in front of everybody. But it turns out that it is an awesome gift. It's called a Bar Master. It's this little hand held thing that had a shit ton of drink and shot recipes in it. You can look up drinks by name, category, occasion, and type of alcohol. It'll give you the recipe and measurements to make them, and even tell you the proper procedure on how to make it perfect. It even has a blood-alcohol level calculator on it. You can out it your weight, number of drinks, and a period of time for those drinks and it'll tell you your average blood-alcohol level. It's supposed to be for entertainment purposes only, so I guess I can't use it to prove to a cop that I'm not trashed if I ever get pulled over. But it came in very handy last night. We kept looking up new shots, and teaching the bartender how to make them. It was bad ass. I didn't get trashed lat night, but I was really drunk and having a blast. Everyone else got smashed though. At one point my sister and I were walking to the bathroom, and she just knocked me off my feet and insisted on wheel-barrowing me to the bathroom. I felt like a tard, but I was drunk, I didn't care. After all the other friends had left we went onto the boat. I think I took $120, including the money from my parents, and I walked out with $150. I was very happy with that. I found out I love the slots, especially when I'm drunk. It's very addicting with those bright colors and clinking noises. I just wanted to keep sitting there hitting the lit up buttons. I did try roulette once as an agreement to a friend. She gave me $5 to put on number 21, I lost, oh well. Anyway, that's the story of my birthday...I had a blast! I wish more friends would've come and partied with me, but they missed out, their loss!
There is this guy that I work with here that I swear has got to be one of the slowest humans on the planet. His job here does not seem to be that difficult either, yet he has so many problems doing it. I will try to explain my dilemma with him the best I can without confusing anyone. Ok, so his job is to go to the one of our county recorders office and record documents and get copies for us. I give him a set of blank checks to do this. In my eyes, all he has to do is record, get copies, total them up, and give me back a check stub with the breakdown of the charges. Does that seem hard? Maybe it does, I don't know. But he just can't seem to do this. He is supposed to get me back a receipt within at least a few days, but no, it takes him about a month. And then, it's all screwed up. The checks are clearing our bank accounts for totally different amounts than he tells me, and the totals of the items he's recorded or copied barely match up to the check stub he gives back. What the hell?? So I have to spend my time going back over all his stuff and fixing it. There are many more problems that he causes me that I would like to bitch about, but it's too confusing for me to try to explain. Anyway, and the biggest thing about him....he smells so HORRIBLE!! I don't know what it is that is seeping out of his nasty pores, but it's fucking disgusting. You can tell he's in the office as soon as you get anywhere near his area. It's definitely a gut wrenching, tear-jerking smell. Some have described it as garlic, others think of it as pee...I don't really care what it is, I don't think I would even want to know. All I know is, it's definitely something horrid, and no manager or boss will do a thing about it. They think it'd be rude to say something, I think not. I think it's something that should definitely be said to him because it is disrupting everybody else. Nobody wants to walk by him or anything because it's such a putrid, gag-reflexing smell. Anyway, so that's all about this guy, I just had to vent before I yelled at him again!
I have finally picked a New Year's Resolution. I don't want to call it that, because resolutions are usually easily broken. But I have decided that I am going to quit smoking pot. I am really scared that I won't be able to do it though. This was all decided last night after my sister and I got into a huge fight. It was brutal, we were pulling hair, kicking, pinching, and scratching. Ok, it was brutal for a girl fight I guess. It all started because she was trying to yell at me for never doing that dishes. I don't have food there, so I never even use the dishes, no way in hell am I doing them for her. But I got mad of course and tried to leave, she got in my way and poked me so I poked her back even harder, and that started the fight. After we were finished we both calmed down and she told me that the whole point of her talking to me last night was because she was really worried about me. Apparently she could tell I was depressed and really unhappy with myself and my life. I knew I was getting there, but I really didn't think anyone else could tell. I guess I was wrong because she knew everything, she even knew why I was depressed. It freaked me out, I hadn't told any of my friends or family about any of this stuff, yet she just knew. And she was totally right about it all, she knew why I never wanted to be there, and why I never wanted to talk to anybody, and even why I was in a bad mood all the time. She made a lot more sense to me than I would've realized on my own. So, I decided to try to quit smoking. I really hope it'll help, I think the main thing is I need to become happy with myself before anything else. That'll be hard, but I want to try. I think the reason I'm unhappy all the time is because I do smoke. It makes me feel ashamed that I do, so I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't. And I don't ever deal with any stress or problems, I just look for a way to forget it for the moment by smoking. Also, I think it keeps me in a bad mood because I want it all the time, and when I can't have it, I get irritable and bitchy. That's not right at all, I shouldn't be like that, but I am. I know I have a better personality than that, I just let this take over, so I'm not like I used to be. I never thought pot was addicting and all studies show it isn't. But something about it is, I crave it and it's all I want to do a lot of times, mainly just to forget about everything else. It's going to be hard to quit and I am really scared to do it, but I feel I have to, just to see if it does make me happier without it. I'm afraid it'll make me more depressed though, because if I quit I can't hang out with any of my friends that do still smoke because the temptation is way too much. So, I'm afraid I'll just have to end up sitting alone, but not being able to smoke. And I do not think that'll make me any happier, just more depressed and pissed off that I can't smoke. But I have to try, and deep down I really think it'll be better for me. Wish me luck!!
Don't read this, it's just my pathetic depressing thoughts...
Holidays suck! Does anyone else agree? Probably not because everyone else has someone to be with. Yep, everyone except me. It's only a day away from New Year's Eve, and the fact that I have no one to be with, or even no where to go party is getting a little more than depressing. I really do not want to spend another New Year's at home with my parents watching Dick Clark and then ending up falling asleep before midnight even hits. But I think that's about my only option. All my friends have plans, and they apparently don't include me at all. I would've thought I might've been invited at some point to hang out with someone or just do something. I think no one is inviting me because I am single and alone, or maybe just because I don't happen to really have any friends, that could play a part in it. I think I'm going to stoop to the begging level tonight and try my hardest to find something to do. I've even been thinking of calling my ex to find plans. Maybe something good could come out of that, maybe I'll get my first New Year's kiss, even if it's not from the person I want it from. If worse comes to worst, I will probably settle for sitting at my place by myself, drinking Kool-Aid and watching Dick. And the rumor of New Year's is that how you spend New Year's Eve at Midnight is how you'll be spending the next year. I really don't believe in superstitions like that, but it's getting a little out of hand, it's been enough years like this, and now to look forward to another year of being lonely and depressed. Fuck, I am about to lose it right now, it's starting to overwhelm me quite a bit. I thought this blog thing would help me to vent, but I think it just depresses me even more. I feel stupid for wanting someone so bad, everyone tells me that I don't need someone, but I really think I do. I think I'd be a lot better off if I had someone. First, I would have someone to spend my time with, and that would help me cut down on the pot smoking thing. And just every other reason that I am not happy ever, I think having a constant someone there really would help me. Not constant like non stop 24/7 being together, but just more often than now. And, I'd be getting laid regularly, I think that would help with the happiness too, it does get stressful. Damn, I just gotta stop before I start getting pissed at everyone and everything because I can't get my way and have what/who I want. Anyway, happy freakin' New Year's!
What a fucking day I had yesterday, it was the worst! OK, I'm just going to start from the beginning. There is this group of girls that I sometimes hang out with, they are all around 18 yrs. old. One of them, Amanda, is also an ex of my ex boyfriend Jacob. We all sort of thought it would be weird hanging out with each other, or all together, but it really hadn't been weird at all. I thought she and I had both stated that we weren't interested in him as anything romantically anymore, but I guess I was wrong. So yesterday I was heading out to his place to hang out, which is about 45 min. from either her place or mine. First, on the way there I got a damn ticket for going 79 in a 60, damn it!! I can't afford that, I can barely afford anything else as it is. Anyway, ok, so I get out to his place and right away Amanda starts calling him to get him to come out to her place. He wasn't going to go because he spent all afternoon at the football game, he wasn't even going to his mom's for her b-day. So she got her friends, Kaci and Denise, to start calling his friend Zach to try to convince them into going. So Zach is putting up with it and they tell him they'll even come get him and bring him back home, it's a 45 min. trip either way! Anyway, so Kaci and Denise get out there. I knew something was up right away because the bitch walks in and first thing she says is 'Wow, you look like shit!' Fucking bitch! I really didn't look that great, but still, that was dick to say. Then everything Kaci said to me was totally with an attitude, so I'm sure I started getting one too. After about one minute of sitting around Kaci just jumped my ass about everything, ever. She started throwing it in my face how I have no friends and how I'm so pathetic and I can't even get laid and just a bunch of bullshit! She was mainly right I guess, but what fucking bitch! I got pissed and was trying to figure out why she was so pissed at me, and she told me that I was doing Amanda "dirty" by being out at Jacob's. Seriously??? Who does that little hoe think she is if she's going to try to stop him and I from being friends? We were together and have been friends a lot longer than she's known him. And it's not like I go over there for anything other than to hang out. I know they still have slept together fairly recently, but I haven't in over two years, why would I start now? Then, the stupid whores took my cell phone and threw it in the sink of full water. Ok, if I could kick some ass, I would! I am seriously pissed, I just want to run them over in my truck! But, the only good thing about last night I guess was that my ex did take my side on it and agreed that they were very immature and childish. I don't really know if he'll do anything or say anything, but he was at least there for me when I needed him. So, that was my very shitty day yesterday, I am just praying that this day, and my life gets better, someday soon. God I hate saying that because I know everyone keeps telling me that, and it might be true, but how can I believe that?
It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting here at my parents house by myself. It was my choice though so don't feel bad for me or anything, not that you would've anyway. We had my Dad's side of the family's Christmas tonight. It is always sort of awkward to be around them. Out of the whole family my mom, dad, sister and I are the only "bad" one's. First keep in mind that my dad has seven brothers and three sisters, but we are the only one's that drink, smoke, or cuss. I have to watch my language around them really bad. I almost called one of my uncle's a fucker tonight because he gave me a really dirty look for some smartass joking comment I made, but I caught myself thank god. But being around my dad's family is weird. They are all really timid shy people, but it comes off as if they're all a little bit retarded, maybe that's where I get it from :? I don't know. I was talking to my uncle Marty tonight, and he made me realize that maybe they are retarded. He lives in Baltimore, so I never get to see him, but he was talking to me about the wreck I was recently in. Every thing he started to say he'd stammer and take about two minutes to get it out, then I'd make him repeat it because he would mumble it really bad. It just got to the point where I was giving my mom the SAVE ME looks. Thank god she caught on quickly. Then at the gift exchange we do the white elephant thing again. With my other family we do this, but we all buy gifts for it so they are things that you may actually want. Not this family. We all pick out junky crappy items that we ourselves don't want and pass them off to other people. I actually sort of think that pretty stupid. I gave away a picture frame that has been passed around for a few years, an old dolphin clock I have that's broken, and an old nameplate I had from my old job. My poor cousin picked my gift. I didn't end up with anything better though. I got some spreaders (for butter and cheese), a CD of a man and wife that I've never heard of, and three Christmas Joy tapes. Yuck! I think I might just keep them until next year and give them back. But anyway, so I'm here now. I took my sister's cue when she left and got out too. It's not that they're bad people, just fairly boring. And now I'm going to bed, I just had to bitch about my night first on my bitch blog! Good night everyone, and have a very Merry Christmas!!!!!! :D
I think today I will write about Tom Green, not the famous one that you may be thinking of, but one of our friendly neighborhood Subway workers. His real name is not Tom Green, but I don't know it. Anyway, ok so he's this guy that works at Subway and he always smiles and flirts with me when I go to lunch. He's maybe about 30 or so which is a little old for my taste. I am only 20 right now (I will be 21 in 2 weeks tomorrow!!) and I look about 17 or 18, so I think it's a little weird that he likes me anyway. Not that I have any problems with other people dating older men/women, it's just not my thing. The oldest I'd go right now would have to be maybe 26, just about a five year range. I did go on a date earlier this year with a guy that was 27 and even though he was very immature for his age, I just still felt weird about it, that's just another weird personal issue I have. Anyway, about Tom, so I went to Subway today by myself. Being it was Christmas Eve and all, and I showed up less then five minutes before they closed, I was the only customer in line. And I think it was no coincidence that Tom was the only person standing behind the counter. While he was making my sandwich today, another worker behind the counter made a joke about Tom making love to my sandwich. Tom got all sorts of embarrassed and was threatening kicking the other guy's ass. I was just smiling and laughing to cover up my uncomfortableness. Then Tom comes over to where I was at and whispered over the counter that he'd like to take me out sometime. I just politely said, "Umm, no I don't think so, thanks anyway though!" I felt bad, but I was not going to go out with him, ever ever ever! But he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable and stop coming there, and I won't. I wouldn't give up my food just because he asked me out, but he better not do it again or I might get a little rude. Anyway, so that's all about Tom, I just had to tell someone, even though no one reads this! But that little event perked up my day, I was in a little bit of a bad mood, again, imagine that! Ok, I gotta get off here now, but I just found out we get to leave early too! I get off in less than an hour, this is the best news I've heard in along time, woo hoo!!!! :D
Why is it that I always depress myself and let myself get into this pitiful state of mind? It's not healthy I'm sure, not that I live healthy anyway. I would like to blame my bitchiness and being depressed on PMS, which it very well could be, but I just feel like it's an easy cop out. If I'm ever in a bad mood, I can always blame it on PMS, even though I don't think it generally is. I think it's just me being way too pessimistic. I think about things way too much, I definitely over analyze, and then I get depressed. I hate doing that, but I really can't help it. I try to look at the positive side of things, but what's the point? Have I ever been proven wrong on my pessimism? No, not really. If I stay pessimistic I can at least say I was right, but I would love for somebody to prove me wrong when I get pessimistic. Anybody's only answer is you never know what lies ahead type of bullshit. Which I do agree with, but since I don't know and I want to know really bad, I begin to form my own thoughts as to what will happen, and that's when my hopes go down the drain again. It's too hard to sit and think oh yeah, this'll happen, it'll be great. Because way too many times I've done that and then my little plans got spit on and ran over with a bulldozer. But when I'm pessimistic about stuff, I get really unhappy. But, we're changing the subject now, I do not want to get depressed today, I just want to be sick but happy. Ok, I went to this really weird gas station last night that's right by my place. They were a regular gas station so I thought, until I get in there and I saw bowls and pipes under the counter. Then the guy I was with went to one of the side counters and whispered something to the guy working there. The guy carded both of us, then opened the cabinets to a shit ton of bongs. Seriously? In a gas station? I was shocked, I had never seen anything like that before. So, that was my weird moment for last night. Other than that, I just spent my time getting sick. Oh, I guess this guy I've never met did call me. His name's Jacob, which is my ex's (the one who I always still hang out with) name too. Well, I guess my sister met him through her boyfriend and gave him my number but didn't bother to tell me about it. So he calls and is like Hi, this is Jacob. I started laughing and was just like oh really? And I started giving him shit for pretending to change his voice on the phone. I felt retarded after I realized it wasn't my ex, that it was some other guy. So he starts trying to talk to me, like how are you? what do you do? Blah, blah, blah.... I was a little freaked out. I had never met or even heard of this guy before, and he's asking me 20 questions. So after I talked to my sister she was pretty much hassling me to call him back and asking him out. That pissed me off and we got into a fight from that. I mainly got pissed because I don't want to be set up at all. I don't like to date in the first place, so to do it with someone I've never met or anything is not going to happen. She can kiss my ass if she wants to get mad about that. She should understand where I'm coming from on that, she's been that way before too. But, I apologized to her and told her that if he called again I'd talk to him and give him a chance. So, I guess I have to. Who knows, maybe it'll end up being a good thing. I feel in the mood to do another song...I think I'll go with my favorite early 90's song....Informer by Snow. I love it, but I am a nerd when it comes to music.
[u]Informer[/u]
What's up man! Hey yo what's up! Yeah what's goin' on here. Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here. You know what I'm sayin'? Yo Snow, they came around here lookin' for you the other day. Word? Word! Bust it!
CHORUS Informer, you no say Daddy me Snow me I'll go blame, A licky Boom Boom Down. Detective mon said Daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, A licky Boom Boom Down. Informer, you no say Daddy me Snow me I'll go blame, A licky Boom Boom Down. Detective mon said Daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane, A licky Boom Boom Down.
Police them come an' now they blow down me door, One him come crawl through, through my window, So then they put me in the back the car at the station, From that point on me reach my destination, When the destination reached, it was the east detention, where them Whipped down me pants, looked up me bottom, so
CHORUS
Bigger they are they think they have more power, They're on the phone me say that on (every) hour, Me for want to use it once an' now me call me lover, Lover who I'll be callin is the one Tammy, an' me love her in me heart down to my belly, Yes me Daddy me Snow me I feel cool an' deadly, As the one MC Shan an' the one Daddy Snow, Together we-a love'em as a Tor-Na-Do.
CHORUS
Listen for me, you better listen for me now. Listen for me, you better listen for me now. When me rockin' the microphone me rock it steady, Yes sir, Daddy me Snow me are the article done. But in the in an' the out of a dance them they say where you come from, People them say you come from Jamaica, But me born an' raised in the ghetto that's the one I want you to know, Pure black people mon that's all I mon know. Yeah me shoes are tear up an' me toes used to show, Where me born in on the one Toronto, so
CHORUS
Come with a nice young lady. Intelligent, Yes she's gentle an' irie. Everywhere me go, me never left her at all. Yes, its Daddy Snow me are the roam dance mon. Roam between a dancin' in a in a nation-a. You never know say Daddy me Snow me are the Boom Shakata. Me never lay-a down flat in that one cardboard box. Yes say me Daddy me Snow me I'll go reachin' at the top, so...
CHORUS
Why would he? Why would he, would he, would he?
Me sittin' 'round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl, Police knock my door, Lick up my pal, Rough me up an' I can't do a thing Pick up my line, when my telephone ring. Take me to the station, Black up my hands. Trail me down, 'cuz I'm hangin' with the Snowman, What I'm gonna do, I'm backed an' I'm trapped, Slap me in the face an' took all o' my gap. They have no clues an' they wanna get warmer, But Shan won't turn Informer!
I have to vent here so I don't tell my friend something I shouldn't. She has been e-mailing me this morning just going on and on about her boyfriend and how great he is, and how much she misses him. Seriously? She stays the night with him every night, they don't technically live together yet, but pretty much, yeah they do. It's just really starting to get on my nerves, she is definitely a whiner. I know I have a whiny side, but damn. She's whining about how scared she is that she doesn't want to lose him and how she can't hold him close enough and she misses him so bad and just wants to hold him forever. I bet it's nice to love somebody like that, but seriously, don't whine to me about it! It's not like I've ever been in that position to be able to relate to her or anything, so all it's doing is making me jealous. I know that's the only reason I'm getting mad is because I have never been there, but since she knows that, you'd think she wouldn't do that to me, wrong! I mean, that's like going up to someone who's starving to death, and bitching about the food that you get to choose from everyday. Ok, so it's not exactly like that, but whatever. Plus, it's not something to even whine about it the first place.....quit your bitchin'!!!!!!!! But see, I have a bitch blog, so I'm free to bitch about whatever I want. Ok, I do feel better, thanks!
Why do holidays just have to remind all the single lonely people that they are in fact single and lonely. Every single person I know has someone to share their time with through the holidays. Even the friends I have that are single, still have someone....be it a booty call, or just someone to spend time with. Either way, I have none of that. That makes me not want to go hang out with anyone just to be reminded again that I have no one. Holidays are so depressing. Every commercial out there tells you to buy your loved one something, that includes everybody but me. I feel like such a tard, but I am getting so depressed this time of year. It has never been this bad before. I always had those friends that I could go out with when we're both alone, but it wouldn't bother us, becasue we'd have each other. Not in a sexual way, just a best friends understanding way. I don't even have that, maybe I'll just get myself a blowup doll and name him Jack, then I can "Jill off" to Jack! Haha, alright, I agree, that was retarded!! :roll:
This is going to become my new Bitch Blog. Just a place to vent and bitch so I don't have to do it to anyone else. I don't know if that'll prevent me from bitching to other people, but it's worth a shot! What a crappy day...not me in particular, just the day. It's not a bad day, but it's not a good day either. I did get a good gift this weekend for my family Christmas. We do this gift exchange with all general gifts, then after they're all drawn we go back through and get one more chance to steal the gift we want. My name was drawn last this year, so I ultimately got exactly what I wanted. I chose the vibrating, massaging shower head with seven different levels. I am really excited to try it out, but I can't set it up until I get some pliers. That definitely sucks! On another note, I am starting to stress really bad about the holidays. I still have gifts to buy, yet no car to go shopping with. So I have to wait and try to bribe people into taking me, I hate doing that. Especially since everyone I know is done shopping, so their trip would be pointless. I really don't like the holidays anyway. Mainly because my there are three events in a two week span in which it is nice to have someone to spend the time with: Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. New Years isn't so bad because I can get majorly fucked up, but other than that, nope, hate it! If I had ever had someone on any of those days, I don't think I'd hate it so much, but since I'm always alone....yep, I hate it! I know my little issues are not as big as some other people's problems, but I just still don't want to deal with them. I want to drink my way through the holidays, starting tonight. Oh, but wait, I can't do any drinking really, I can't buy it! And lord knows my sister won't go buy it for me. I don't even have any friends to go buy it for me, and the few guys I know that can will hint at me doing them favors to get it. So, no thanks! I'd rather eat my own......ok, nevermind, I'll stop at that. But seriously I want to bet drunk tonight. I haven't been drunk in so long. And I'm not a big drinker so all I'd need is two, maybe three beers. Or shots, I can do those alright. But I guess since we've already established that I have nobody to get it for me or drink with, maybe I'll just go home and put together my new shower head, that should keep me occupied all night long. :lol:
Alright, so I finally found a few minutes to write. My night didn't get any better yesterday. First I get off work and I call a few friends to try to find something to do so I can get out of the house. They tell me they've already got plans to go to the strip club, and the youngest girl needs my ID again. I was a little pissed. I wasn't even invited to go, yet she needs my ID so she can go. I wouldn't have gone anyway, but still, it's just the point that it was a little rude to do that. I gave it to her anyway, I wasn't going to throw a fit about it and prevent her from going. Then I was talking to my ex on the phone, he wanted to know why I was having a bad day. So I told him all the personal issues, and he made me feel a lot better at first. He was being really nice about it and telling me he understood, and he's been there before in my same situation, and I started crying again. Not really because I was still so upset about my deal, I just started crying. I cried about 4 times last night, over stupid shit. Twice was from watching TV shows and something a little sad would happen, and there went the waterworks. The other time was because one of my friends was being pretty damn rude, just had an attitude and started yelling at me. So I went off. I started yelling and telling him off, then not 2 seconds after I finished, there I go again with the crying. I felt so stupid. I think it shocked the shit out of him. Oh well. Today is a much better day though. I am trying to deal. I'm mainly just in a blah whatever type of mood today. I don't really care about much today. I just want to chill and take everything easy. So, on that note I will end with 2 songs today. I wish I had a CD player so I could listen to them right now, but I can't. The first is Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding, and then Take it Easy by the Eagles. Both good songs, just humming them to myself has calmed me down a lot.
[u]Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay[/u]
Sittin in the morning sun, I`ll be sittin' when the evening come, Watching the ships roll in, And I'll watch 'em roll away again, yeah, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay, Watching the tide roll away, ouh, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay, Wasting time.
I left my home in Georgia, Headed for the Frisco bay I have nothing to live for, Look like nothings gonna come my way,
So I'm just go sit on the dock of the bay Watching the tide roll away, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay, Wasting time
Look like nothings gonna change, Everything still remain the same, I can't do what ten people tell me to do, So I guess I'll remain the same, yes,
Sittin' here resting my bones, And this loneliness won't leave me alone, yes, Two thousand miles I roam Just to make this dock my home
Now I'm just go sit at the dock of the bay Watching the tide roll away, ooh Sittin' on the dock of the bay Wasting time
And now..........
[u]Take it Easy[/u]
Well, I'm running down the road tryin' to loosen my load I've got seven women on my mind, Four that wanna own me, Two that wanna stone me, One says she's a friend of mine Take It easy, take it easy Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy Lighten up while you still can don't even try to understand Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me Come on, baby, don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me We may lose and we may win though we will never be here again so open up, I'm climbin' in, so take it easy Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find Take it easy, take it easy don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy come on baby don't say maybe I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me, oh oh oh Oh we got it easy We oughta take it easy
Alright, so my day's going somewhat better. Nothing new has happened to make it better really, just a change in thought process. I do need to realize it's not the end of the world and that whatever is going on in my life is happening for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but a reason all the same. I just need to learn from it. I don't necessarily know what I need to learn, maybe it's just patience. Patience with the world and my life. I'm still young and hopefully have a lot of life ahead of me. Whatever is happening in my life is only a stepping stone to the rest of my life, and I'm sure it'll get much worse at times. Not really looking forward to those times, but if any good comes out of it, I'll gladly take the bad with the good. I just feel stuck at this point. I need to make some changes, but what changes? If I change myself at this point to be the person I completely want to grow up to be, I'll be a complete loser. I won't have anybody to hang out with if I were to quit smoking pot and stop hanging out with those people. Oh, I guess I forgot about my sister. Yeah, I could hang out with her, but no thanks. I'd rather sit at home completely by myself. Wait no, if I had to sit at home by myself all I'd want to do is smoke pot. Damn, I'm screwed. Maybe I'll just stay the way I am and try not to feel so worthless and get so depressed about it. One of these days..... :roll:
I'm sorry for everyone reading this. It's not going to be that interesting today. I am really fucked up today. I am confused about a lot of stuff and I am just very depressed today. I get those days sometimes, but it sucks when I do get them because nothing can pull me out. That is until I get off work and can smoke something to make me forget. I wish I didn't always have to resort to that, but it's a lot easier than wallowing in my own self pity and crying all the time. It's also easier than getting mad about whatever I'm upset about and spending all my time bitching about it to the people around me. I don't want to go on a bitch session here and tell my problems to everyone, no one needs to hear all that. I am just basically really unhappy with my life. And especially when I'm depressed about it, it's hard for me to focus on the good things. There are no good things. Maybe I'm just hard to please but life is just shitty. I'm an extremely pessimistic person anyway, at least with the aspects of my own life. Anyone else I can easily find the good and assure others that life will get better and everything will be okay. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but why am I shit on all the time? What's the fucking reason for that? I am not a bad person, I don't treat others wrong. I just need to stop or I will start bitching about my problems and I'll start crying. So we're done for today. We will end with a song again. It's Last Resort by Papa Roach. This song keeps rolling around in my mind over and over. It fits for today, I am about that depressed. Ok, so it's a little harsher than the way I'm thinking, but just about.
[u]Last Resort[/u]
Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding Do you even care if I die bleeding Would it be wrong, would it be right If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late and I was empty within Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral, where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another Searching to find a love upon a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way
I was really hungry today so I thought I'd eat a whole sub today instead of a half. My stomach hurts so bad. Not a sick feeling really, but like it's about to bust open. My stomach has expanded probably 5 inches since before lunch. And if you know me, you know I'm fairly gassy, a lot of burping going on. And it's worse than normal. The gas is there, but won't come up, and when it does I am getting the acid reflux problem really bad where it burns all the way up. This is hell. I will not be making the mistake again of eating more than I can handle. Well, at least until I forget about this little incident that has made me so uncomfortable. UGH!!!
Today I am in a really good mood, at least for me. Nothing is bothering me, even my problems are not on my mind. YEA!!! But for whatever reason, all I've been thinking about since last night is swimming. What kind of thing is that to think about? I don't know. Actually, it's not even necessarily swimming, just floating in the water. Floating is my thing, especially since I can't swim. I always say that, but I'm sure I could swim to save my life, not to save anybody else's life though, I'm not that good. I can doggy paddle, and swim underwater alright, but the regular basic swim above water thing, I just can't get. I've tried, I took a class when I was about 4 or so, and I failed out of that. People always offer to teach me, but do you know how stupid I feel being 20, having to have someone hold me up in the water to try to get a technique down. Pretty retarded! But I also feel retarded having to wear freakin' floaties everytime I go into the water. Not at a kiddie pool, but in a lake or something. I think I'll just stick to my doggy paddling, and you know I always cherish the rafts. That's the best, to just float on a raft in the water on a hot summer night and stare at the stars. It's so peaceful. Ahh, good times. I used to love playing in the water when I was little, but now it's more of a hassle. My hair's fixed and my makeup's on, why in the hell would I want to turn myself ugly by getting in the water? I still do it, but not nearly as much as I used to. I miss being a little kid, those were the days. You don't realize it while you're young, but seriously, if I could have a chance to go back and play all day with friends, then take a nap too, that would be so awesome! We lived at my old house until I was 10, up until I moved I had so much fun playing with the neighbor kids. First of all, our neighbors had 9 kids. Only the oldest five would play with my sister and I, but it was so much fun. I can't really remember any specific things we did, but I do distinctly remember getting in trouble almost everyday for doing something we shouldn't have done. I can't wait to have kids, I want to play again. I am so excited to have kids, I can't wait to play games with them and teach them everything. One really dorky thing that I can't wait to do when I have kids is get all those sing along videos. Like one's with the Muffin Man, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Stuff like that. I know I used to love the song Little Bunny Fufu, I can't remember it though. But it was a good little tune. Anyway, I'll leave with a song again. Nigga's Ain't Shit by Trinia. Now this song has absolutely nothing to do with my thoughts today, but it is definitely one of my favorites, and one of the only rap songs I totally know by heart. The song does fit my way of thinking a lot of the time though. If you put it in little white girl terms, it basically just means guy's SUCK! Even though today I'm not looking at guys that way, it's still a kick ass song!
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Trina] See, me and my boo's we got grands to use With terrible attitudes nigga, who needs you? Huh, you got your dirty ass feet on my couch and smokin motherfuckin weed in my house Is you sick yo? I want YOU to get him and your dogs, to stop grabbin doornobs, and hustle and rob or job, get tha fuck out of dodge (you heard that?) You eat me this evenin, you don't even deserve that cause I'm a bank roll havin bitch Mercedes Benz 6- double o havin bitch, I'm fabulous and immaculate with nice curves I game hers for the furs, and the Iceberg You got nerves, old broke ass, not havin no doe ass slow ass, stayin on my porch ass, yo yay your ass nigga you fake bitch, you make women hate dick, cuz you ain't shit
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Lois Lane] You that same old nigga with tha same low figures 'cept the lies gettin bigga and the sex lacks the vigor Got used to the quickies, now your ass is just wack tryin to fuck my girl, behind my back, imajin that I told her go ahead and try it just for the laughter now whe're feelin bad for all tha hoes you're goin after Looks can be deceivin, and you're poppin much game Crib in your moms name, claim of fortune and fame Dressed in ICEBERG, senese still attached Rockin a gator, fake rolly, hollow links to match I sit back and watch, as you dig yourself deeper Digits all in your beeper, you want her, better keep her Last night you was all up in the club, slingin grips Slippin DJ Roslay, givin dick tips away Basically, you was holdin like you just went pro but little did they know, you was flossin my doe No, I got to go, before you cause a bitch to flick from waistline to the bottom, you know niggas ain't shit
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
[Trina] You ain't shit to me yo I'm spendin grands down in Rio Manaje' in trio, garage like it cee-lo 4-5-6, Range Rov, 4.6 we lay low while ya'll hoes slob dick, you back in ballin ass Niggas ain't shit, taste the clit and y'all pussy lickin and shit wanna go low on me like a basement? That's why I don't see none of y'all You better reconize bitch, while I sit in front of y'all I don't owe you shit, nigga you owe me I'm bout to change the locks, nigga keep the gold key You better get your shit, take it to your mamy house I'm bout to show you what a bitch from Miami bout You got me fucked up, nigga ain't no free nut Unless you comin VVS marquis cut
Niggas ain't shit, but hoes and tricks Lick tha pearl tongue nigga keep tha dick Get tha fuck out after I cum So I can hop in my Coup and make a quick run
Last night a few friends of mine went to the club, I didn't want to go since for one I'm not that big on clubbing. I love to dance, just not really in front of people. So since I wasn't going I let one of my younger friends take my ID to get into the club. We don't exactly look alike, but she can pass for me. I feel weird about giving her my ID only because she is only 17, I will be 21 in less than a month, and if she can pass for me, then she will pass for 21 in less than a month also. It's just weird. Truthfully she does look older than me though. But since I know she can pass for my ID, I just feel too bad not letting her use it. I would've loved if somebody had done that for me when I was younger. I could've too, but my sister is too uptight to let me use her ID for anything. I just have this thing where I will share everything I have with people. Mainly though just people who I don't know very well. It seems to be the people that I am closest too that I show my selfish, irritable, angry side too. Which is a little ironic since those are the people who I need around most and don't want to lose. Actually, my mom and I got on this subject last night while we were shopping. For whatever reason, out of my immediate family, she is the only one that I really don't get irritated or angry with. I think it's because our personalities are very similar. She thought it was just because she didn't annoy me that much, but it's not that, she just has a way with me where she knows how to handle me when I get an attitude. She will be the only one to call me on it when I get pissy for no reason, and that makes me really think about it, and realize that I have no reason to be that way. My sister and my dad are a lot more similar in personality. They will both just egg me on and push all the right buttons to get me even more mad. I hate when they do that because after I go off and throw my hissy fit about being mad, it's all my fault and then they don't want to be around me. Thank god for my mom knowing me better than anyone. I am a lot like my mom in most ways. I really don't mind being like her, most women seem to not want to be like their mothers, but I would be happy to be like mine. She is very cute, mainly her personality. The little things she does makes her cute. But we have a lot in common, we are both sort of reserved until you get to know us better. We realized last night that we have a lot of little quirky things we do similar. Like we both pick off the hard ends of our fries, and we both have this weird thing where we count everything. It's odd. I of course have a few more quirky little things I do, like making sure every bite I take of something has an equal bite of a something to go with eat. For instance if I eat a piece of steak, an equal portion of mashed potatoes has to go in my mouth at the same time, I don't like one with out the other. It totally screws me up when I have to get steak with out mashed potatoes. I do it with other foods too, but that's just an example. I do get one major part of my personality from my Dad, my attitude. I have his temper for sure. He can get riled up about anything, but my mom is so laid back. I wish I could be more laid back, but I let little things get to me very easily, but the big things are the one's that I let slide. I don't know if it's possible to change myself and be able to control my temper and become more laid back. But if so, I'd like to know how so I can do it. Today I am going to borrow the ways of my friend "White" and leave you today with a song, I Alone by Live. It really doesn't go with the issue I've been talking about today, but it is a favorite of mine, and it does sort of go with other issues in my life. Oh well if it doesn't.
[u]I Alone[/u]
it's easier not to be wise and measure these things by your brains I snak into eden with you alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes you'll need them, you boat is at sea your anchor is up, you've been swept away and the grestest the teachers won't hesitate to leave you there, by yourself chained to fate
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
it's easier not to be great and measure these things by your eyes we long to be here by this resolve alone in the chuch by and by to cradle the baby in space and leave you there by yourself chained to fate
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
oh, now, we took it back too far, only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn all come running back to you, all those rhytms that you hide only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you fear is not the end of this!
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
I alone love you I alone tempt you I alone love you
This was my entry on Friday, but I deleted it, and now I'm putting it back up....
I don't necessarily think it does. Depending on what the bad thing is that you do. And who's to say exactly what's bad and what isn't. Illegal doesn't even necessarily have to mean that something is bad. Some stuff is though, like murder, ok that's bad. But I don't do anything that extreme. The worst thing I do is a few illegal narcotics. There are a few that I am not very proud to admit though. The main one is...smokin' the reefer. But since I don't hang around that high quality of people all the time, I tend to be around a few other drugs that I occasionally find myself doing. I feel horrible with myself everytime I do them though. But for whatever reason I am not that strong of a person and even though I may not want to do them, I still have that little bit of desire, so that's obviously enough for me to forget what small amount of willpower that I do have, and do them anyway. And I of course enjoy doing them, but not even that much, I just don't want to be the one not doing them when everyone else is. And I can't blame peer pressure, because nobody forces it on me. The only one that I do enjoy thoroughly is smoking pot. I don't even know why though. It makes me just sit there and space off, I can barely hold a conversation because if someone else is talking, it is hard to keep focused. And if I am talking, I'll start on a subject, and then I'll just stop because I can't even remember what I'm talking about. I also get completely lazy. I'm extremely lazy to begin with, but it just makes me that much more lazy. Like the other night, I spent probably close to an hour staring at the remote on the floor. I only have 5 channels on my TV, and I was dying of boredom watching this home shopping show. And even though I was missing my favorite shows, I still sat there for quite a while just staring at the remote on the floor. I didn't want to get up, I was really comfortable. So finally after about an hour, I leaned off the couch and scooted my way towards the remote, I wouldn't even take my feet off the couch. I'm sure it was a funny site to see me scooting on my belly with my feet still on the seat. After I got the remote, I scooted back the same way I came. Then, to make it worse, I started thinking about something else and forgot to turn the channel for another 20 min. That sounds so pathetic, yet it becomes almost a daily routine for me to do something like that. The only appreciation I can definitely give to smoking is that it does make everything a lot funnier. If I was high right now, that story would be really really funny. And they say smoking pot isn't addictive, but it seems to be. I mean, if I have a choice I do it before everything, shopping, driving, family get togethers, even looking for a job. Another thing, I have other friends and family tell me all the time that I should stop, and I know I should. But I think it's just gone on for so long, that now I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not doing that. I get so bored on my own, that I can only sit there and think about smoking. It's not a habit I want to take with me into my future, but I have nothing else there to bide my time and to keep my occupied. I know that shouldn't be an excuse but it is for me. One of these days when I grow up and get into more of a steady lifestyle I will quit. I just have nothing to quit for yet. So, that's enough about my bad habits. But the whole point of this was that I don't think that me doing those bad things makes me a bad person. It does occasionally make a liar out of me though because I have to hide it from certain people and lie about where I'm going or what I'm doing. But other than that I don't lie, steal, or use people to get what I want. I am very considerate of others and don't take people for granted or anything. Id actually have to say that I am always the one to get taken advantage of and used. But overall I think I'm a good person and eventually I will be able to change my ways so that I can finally be happy with myself and the life I live.
